CATS OF CHARACTER
CHAMP: The eldest- in charge of backyard security
LUCY: Fifty something – head of food administration
ELLA: Gregarious teenager- one paw out the door
JIMMY: Ella’s twin brother- a nervous homebody
GRANDPAW FLOYD: Very old relative- repetitive and boring until…
RUSTY McDONOUGH: Champ’s nemesis and Ella’s love interest
RIFFRAFF: Stray cats from across town
ACT I
One late summer afternoon . . .
After mending holes in the backyard fence, Champ and Jimmy take a break. Rusty McDonough and the Riffraff show up for a “visit.”
1. BORDER PATROL Champ, Jimmy, Riffraff
We gotta batten down the hatches you take the back. Check around the fences we’re under attack
Lock up all the latches, secure the shack. They’re coming from the river and the railroad tracks
We’re coming from the river and the railroad tracks
Batten down the hatches, secure the shack, look in all the bushes, check the trash
Patch all the holes and cracks! Border patrol!
Let’s keep our eyes steady stay on our feet so we’ll be at the ready for the meet and greet
Hiding from the enemy behind the trees springing from the shadows on to victory
Springing from the shadows on to victory
Keep our eyes steady and on our feet. They’re sneaking up the driveway across the street
We will not retreat- Border patrol!
As head of homeland security I find border patrol is key. So listen up you furry aliens
You’re never gonna get in, you’re never gonna get in, you’re never gonna make it in
It’s our responsibility to defend and protect our property. So listen up you furry aliens
You’re never gonna get in, you’re never gonna get in, you’re never gonna make it in
There’s no time for prattle, forget the rats! We’re preparing for a battle with the alley cats
Get the ladder and I’ll hold ‘em back. They’re coming from the river and the railroad tracks
We’re coming from the river and the railroad tracks
Batten down the hatches, secure the shack, look in all the bushes and check the trash
Patch all the holes and cracks! Border patrol!
Lucy and Ella come outside. Lucy makes fun of Champ’s security efforts. Ella confesses quietly to her that she has a crush on Rusty McDonough. Lucy suggests lunch. Returning to the kitchen she goes on a rant about the food situation at home.
2. PICKY Lucy
I’m in the mood for, I’m not sure, I just had beef I want some more
I think I’d like chicken, no make it fish. Not from that can, I want it fresh
Need to hear the pop, the cover pull back. Not something from a box or aluminum pack
I’d like it fancy, make it a feast! Sophisticated palettes like expensive treats
I’m picky picky picky picky picky picky picky picky picky picky picky picky picky picky
Selective, choosy, snobbish, finicky picky picky picky picky picky picky picky picky Yeah
Who can blame me when I see them eat three course meals wild game and meat
shrimp, scallops, delights of the sea when a scoop of brown goop is served to me
Excuse me for jumping up on the counter. A little bit of kitty litter ain’t gonna harm ya
All I want, is it asking too much? is a brand new can opened at once
I’m picky picky picky picky picky picky picky picky picky picky picky picky picky picky
Selective, choosy, snobbish, finicky picky picky picky picky picky picky picky picky, Yeah
I’ll give it a sniff then turn on my tail if perchance they bought it on sale!
I get totally jealous an emotional mess when I see those wild cats on PBS
roaming free chomping on zebras! Who appointed me this domestic diva
Why oh why do they continue to buy a particular brand that I refuse to try
up on the counter in a neat little line are eight cans that I’ve declined
I’m picky picky picky picky picky picky picky picky picky picky picky picky picky picky
Selective, choosy, snobbish, finicky picky picky picky picky picky picky picky picky, Yeah
The kitchen chitchat is disrupted by Jimmy bursting in, twirling frantically in search of his tail. Lucy leaves in disgust. Ella hides and torments him with a toy mouse on a string.
3. CATNAP Jimmy, Ella
Gotta get it, gotta get it, gotta get it, got it! Gotta get it, gotta get it, gotta get it, got it
Looking, looking where did it go? It was right here just a moment ago
These tricks of the tail are driving me crazy! A swirl and a twirl and a whirl and a haze and I
saw it. I did! It went by in a blur and I’m getting quite tired and now I am slurring my words
Sleep little kitty sleep. Dream of the things you’ll eat. All of the mice you’ll catch while you’re asleep
Where’s the mouse? Where is the mouse? Where is the mouse? It’s hiding
Up the stairs! Go up the stairs! Up the stairs! It’s climbing
Squeaking squeaking it went in the shower rip open the curtain watching it cower
But it isn’t moving, it’s lying quite dead. Or is it a fake? Is this all in my head
Perverse human trickery rats in a maze I’m sleepy and droopy and feeling so lazy
Sleep little kitty sleep. Dream of the things you’ll eat. All of the mice you’ll catch while you’re asleep
It’s you!!! Surprise!!!
Bite and scratch and bite and scratch and bite and scratch and back kick
Bite and scratch and bite and scratch and bite and scratch and back kick
Rolling and tumbling let’s have a brawl! Gripped in a headlock- you let yourself fall! Did not
And now you scream like you’re hurt really bad but you and I know it’s all a big act
There’s no outwitting your brains with my brawn and fatigue is upon me and now I am yawning . . .
After their skirmish Jimmy expresses his anger at Ella’s snobbish ways. She defends her smart self and proceeds to reel out fact after fact.
4. KNOW IT ALL Ella, Jimmy
Did you know that sibling rivalry’s a common syndrome
And scientists in 2003 finished mapping out the genome
Panda bears don’t hibernate and polars are left-handed
Crusoe on a desert isle spent twenty-eight years stranded
Everywhere I turn there’s something new to learn and I want to know, know it all
I want to know it all
The dot over the letter i’s referred to as a tittle
When Rome was burning Nero played a lyre and not a fiddle
Butterflies taste with their feet, just female bees make honey
Massachusetts was the first state to have paper money
One foot out the door got a whole world to explore and I want to know, know it all
I want to know it all
Okay. Ask me any question. I bet I can answer it. Come on, don’t be shy. Anything at all
I’m waiting. I’m trying to think. All right. How many whiskers does a cat have
Too easy twenty four try again. Um, who invented the cat flap door? Sir Isaac Newton
Everybody knows that one. All right, all right. Um, here is a really really really really hard one
Name the oldest cat that ever lived. Hmm…Creampuff from Austin Texas
She lived for thirty-eight years and three days. Give it up kid
A group of kittens is a kindle, adult cats a clowder
Mrs. Murphy was to blame for overalls in the chowder
Vinegar will melt a pearl. Babies don’t have knee caps
A bowl of water and a lamp make a dandy flea trap
My head’s got room to fit way more facts in it
so if you know something that I don’t know don’t hold back tell me so
I want to know, I want to know it all! I want to know, I want to know it all
Lucy and Champ come into the kitchen during Jimmy and Ella’s argument. The kids race out the door. The aging cats reminisce about days gone by.
5. SLOWING DOWN Champ & Lucy
Even though it’s still summer I feel it in my bones. Winter chill is coming. Slowing down
We’re not getting any younger. Time has slipped away. Memories outweigh the days ahead. Slowing down
The wrinkle ‘cross your brow is something new. Around your waist you’ve grown an inch or two
I’ve noticed that the spring’s gone from your step. You’re ten years older don’t forget
Nothing stays the same. This fact of life remains- we are slowing down
Remember all the trees we climbed and the butterflies we chased
Now we stretch out in the shade. Slowing down
And the little ones grow bigger, full of grand ideas as we watch the evening sunset
Slowing down
The whiskers on your chin are turning grey. Your naps are getting longer every day
I see it takes more effort to get up. You’re ten years younger don’t forget
Nothing stays the same this fact of life remains- we are slowing down
(The quiet moment is interrupted by an announcement that it’s time for Champ’s vet appointment. Jimmy and Ella come in and watch as he goes. They begin to fight after Lucy explains the gravity of Champ’s illness. Jimmy runs off.)
Returning from the vet Champ reveals to the audience that his kidneys are failing.
6. CHAMP’S RAG Champ
I eat about thirty meals a day and I bite and lick my fur away
It’s hard when the kidneys ain’t doing their stuff- drinking lots of water but it’s not enough
Going to the vet three times a week getting pumped with the fluids poked and tweaked
Medication for this meditation for that! Keep your hands off me sister I’m just the cat
Well the truth of the matter and it’s really tough is a second diagnosis making it rough
All this itching and scratching and grooming I do is working up a ball of abdominal goo
It’s laying me low and causing me pain. I can feel it when it’s coming and I start to strain
Then it’s heave and it’s ho chugging up the track convulsing to the rhythm of a hairball yak
Ooh uhhh ooh uhhh ooh uhhh errrrrr! Relief in the ejection of a clump of fur
Every plant in the house is now at my mercy
I’m a feline on a mission and I won’t be deterred, see
Well I gotta get my sleep twenty hours at least
But when the captain hits the hay that’s when I’m at my peak
Walking the halls going on the prowl hissing at my sisters giving brother a growl
Then the quease starts coming and I gotta slow down. I let out a yowl and look all around
For the brand new mat or her favorite book on which to deposit my hairball gook
Ooh uhhh ooh uhhh ooh uhhh errrrrr! Relief in the ejection of a clump of fur
Every plant in the house is now at my mercy
I’m a feline on a mission and I won’t be deterred, see
I’m on a mission all right! Ferns and jasmine? Let me at ‘em
Dieffenbachia? That’s not good for ya! How ‘bout poinsettia ? Nooo, better forgetta
At dusk…
(The cats realize Jimmy is missing and begin searching for him)
Trying to deal with Champ’s illness Jimmy has “run away” to the front of the house. Champ finds him and watches from a distance.
7. LOST AT SEA Jimmy, Champ
Lost at sea no land in sight, miles and miles of ocean
Only me a moonless night, no compass no direction
What will I do without you in my life, my anchor
It’s always been you there by my side. A steady friend through thick and thin
In the rain and in the wind always two we’d bear the weather
But sometime soon I’ll do alone all these things we do together
Which way will I go without you at the helm to guide me
And who will I be? And how will it feel to see your chair without you there
I’ll have to find the strength to carry on. Do my part become dependable and strong
Your shoes so big to fill. A heart of gold, I’ll miss you so
Lost at sea……(I’ll be here) No land in sight….(right beside you)
Miles and miles….(so very near) Only me……(I’ll be here) A moonless night
Grandpaw comes for a visit and bores the cats with his stories about the old days. During a choking fit he grabs an energy drink from his pocket, gulps it down, and miraculously turns into a youthful rockstar.
8. SIXTY- FIVE YEARS Grandpaw Floyd
Come over here children got a story to tell—Those “good old days” weren’t so good
They were more of a livin’ h…well, they were hard times
We didn’t have nuttin’ but the coat on our backs! Fed once in the evening
no treats no kibble no snacks! They were hard, hard times truly they were hard
Not like you youngsters you got it made. Those were hard hard times those “good old days”
Banned from the big bed! We slept out in the barn. Drop kicked at midnight
let back in in the morning ohh those were hard hard (cough cough..)
(Glug glug glug glug) whoa!!!
Listen up kittens! Let me tell you the truth
Unlike Ponce DeLeon I found the fountain of youth
We’re living much longer than our ancestors did
so if you want to know how old I am well I won’t fib
I’m sixty-five years and another nine on the way
Take a look at this bottle! You can get it at the vet
although it’s kind of pricy they do accept credit
It’s better than catnip, it aids in carousing
Hey I’m a back in the game and I’m batting a thousand
I’m sixty-five years and another nine on the way! Let’s dance
I got some new choppers! Had a fur lift too
New locks, botox, great sox, what a fox, don’t forget the magic brew
Hurry up kitties! Text all your pals
Put it on Mewspace, Scratchbook the Litterbox! Get a post up on your wall
I’m sixty-five years and another nine on I owe it all to science and to medicare
sixty-five years and another nine on the way! Bye bye gotta go! Have a nice day
After Grandpaw leaves, the whole group complains about their own “hard times.”
9. PRISONERS OF SUBURBIA Lucy, Jimmy, Ella & Champ
It’s early in the morning and oh so sweet, outside the birds are singing softly
Then she comes down puts the bright light on and starts to grind her coffee
That thing growls louder than a jungle beast—makes my eardrums pound
And how I long for the quiet days when she used to buy it ground!I don’t like it
All the clatter and the clanging I don’t like it very much! The pots and dishes banging
I don’t like it! When she’s stomping ‘round the kitchen
It makes me a nervous wreck! Yeah
Like when I’m outside playing running with the breeze
Finally get a squirrel in sight then the backdoor opens and she calls my name
And I have to go inside
And napping in the sun on my favorite chair settled for the afternoon
The roar of a machine wakes me from my dreams! What a time she picks to vacuum
And oh when she pulls out those clothes all wrinkled and rumpled I know how this goes
She heads for the closet flings open the door and releases the cat eating screeching ironing board
And oh! When the furniture’s changed! They’re throwing a party and acting deranged
The guests show up early along with their pets! Unleashed and in various forms of dress
Summer vacations!! The ride in the car!!! Radio blasting—of course NPR
Loud noises their voices cell phones beeping! Tossing and turning while we’re sleeping
on the bed! Then we fall to the floor! Let’s face it
We’re prisoners of suburbia
I read about Leavenworth I hear that it’s quiet except for the days when the inmates riot
Even a place as abysmal as Folsom serves up food that’s a little more wholesome
Alcatraz was built on an island but life in this house is way more confining
Sing Sing’s full of killers and crooks but they have a library full of books
Is there any jail on this planet worse than this? We can’t stand it
Doing time…we got sent up the river! Doing time…life without parole
Doing time…Oh stuck in suburbia! What crime did we commit
Proven guilty when we’re innocent!!!
ACT II
The next day, early afternoon…
Ella discovers Champ’s catnip stash underneath his seat cushion. She starts sniffing it wildly. Jimmy shows up and is surprised by the sudden change in her personality.
10. WHAT’S UP? Ella & Jimmy
Let’s play tag! You’re it! Or would you rather run a race
Bet you I can beat you in a twenty-yard dash. Over to the chair touch the lamp and back
And it’s one for the money two for the show! Hurry are you ready? You’re moving too slow
What’s up? Is that you? You’re acting really strange! Or wait! Don’t tell me is my old pal back
You’re never gonna beat me in a twenty-yard dash. On your mark get set let’s go
Hurry are you ready? You’re moving too slow
Watch out for the lamp!!! Okay I don’t get it. What’s going on?
I was sitting there reading in Champ’s old chair…underneath the cushion I found this! Here
Hey that’s his stuff! He’s gonna go nuts!!! His catnip treat! Give me some please
Let’s climb the tree! Don’t have time! Way up!! Not now! We can see beyond the fence
I’m sick of doing everything. Where did he go? High up in the sky have a look around
Probably in the kitchen! They’ll have to bring a ladder to get us down…eating his chow
Gonna give him a piece of my mind I’ve done his dirty work for the last time
Bet you I can beat you this time
Champ and Lucy show up and join the catnip spree. All of them end up destroying a new couch that is delivered in the middle of their “party.”
11. PUT THE HURT ON THE COUCH Champ, Lucy, Jimmy & Ella
We heard a sound coming down the street I ran to my perch to take a peek
A great big truck pulled up to our shack two men jumped out and then threw open the back
Well at this point I couldn’t look any longer they came to the door I was a goner
We flew upstairs as fast as we could under the bed back to our hood
There was hustle and bustle and moaning and spit
I heard one say to the other “this thing won’t fit”
I looked at the gang we began to wonder are we moving again
Then the sound of thunder
All of a sudden there was peace and quiet after the commotion and a near riot
We waited the perfunctory eight or so minutes then
proceeded to begin the reconnaissance mission
Sneakin’ down the stairs one step at a time we turned the corner to a big surprise
All puffy and fluffy and fresh from China, was this a new couch? Never seen nothing finer
Sittin’ here proud in the middle of the floor let me give it a sniff and a whiff to make sure
that it’s dead yeah now you know what this does? It gives me the urge to bring out my claws
Come on kids you’re never gonna believe it put aside your fears come on down and see this
You think we had fun ripping up our last sofa
We’ll be dead and gone to heaven by the time this one’s over
Hurry let’s go! We need your clout! We wanna keep at it till the stuffing comes out
Jordan’s, Cardi’s, Bernie’s and Phil’s will never look better when we’re done with our drills
Put the hurt on the couch ouch put the hurt on the couch ouch
Put the hurt on the couch ouch put the hurt on the couch ouch
Having a ball but don’t invite the neighbors skip the balloons and the party favors
To animal behaviorists the reason’s obscure as to why we make a wreck of new furniture
I think it’s the texture, makes me feel like it’s mine, I abhor material with a floral design
I’m following the crowd yeah i’m doing that too. Stick with us kids we’ll be walking you through
All the tricks of the trade when you wanna be bad begin with these weapons
hidden in the pads
Don’t go dulling your nails on those scratching posts, keep em nice and sharp
for when you’ll need em the most
Like now for instance who knew this was coming all the talking they do they don’t tell us nothin
Ya gotta be prepared like the BS of A for what’s coming round the corner. You hear what I say
We should learn to decipher those conversations with the back and forth chatter and perseverations
Wrangling and haggling and wringing their hands
you think buying this seat was gonna cost them ten grand
Hey maybe it did but what does that matter? To us it’s a toy, it’s a tool, it’s a ladder
A place to lie down and do our grooming
They’ve got it all wrong this wasn’t made for humans
They never found us in those cat beds they let go
They wreaked like they’d been in the dog aisle at Petco
Our senses they guide us they serve us quite well. Haven’t they read The Power of Smell
So let’s all take a turn one after another fiesta forever with our big piñata
Stay up all night don’t answer the phone we’ve got work to do before they get home
Put the hurt on the couch ouch put the hurt on the couch ouch
Put the hurt on the couch ouch put the hurt on the couch ouch
Almost midnight…
The owners come home to the destruction. Full of remorse the cats are alone sitting around the ruined couch. The catnip has long since worn off. Champ suggests they say a prayer and call it a night.
12. FRANCIS Champ, Lucy, Ella & Jimmy
Protector of the innocent—Francis our patron saint
We pray to you today for we have lost our way
Brother Francis we rely on your wisdom and watchful eye
God’s creations in your hands help us now to understand
How sowing seeds of love and peace and pardoning our injuries
Turning darkness into light will lead us to eternal life
Giving more to those without. Having faith when we have doubts
To see another point of view. Being open to the truth
When we can’t see the road ahead we put our trust in you instead
Of dwelling on our miseries we turn our thoughts to those in need
And if we must go you’ll hold us on a wintry night and take us sailing past the moon
Beyond the stars so bright into the warming light
Sharing with an open heart. Finding ways to do our part
With no thought of being praised, may we walk throughout the day
In deep humility with thee among the flowers and the trees
Side by side in loving grace. Saint Francis we pray
The others go off to bed. While Champ feebly attempts to fix the couch Rusty McDonough pops his head in the window and offers to help.
13. RUSTY’S SECRET Rusty, Champ
Doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out the reason why I’m hanging ‘round your house
Climbing every tree trying to get a glimpse of Ella reading books on the backyard bench
Hard to believe but it’s true it’s got nothing to do with you
Even though you’re getting on in age I don’t believe your memory has failed
So much that you do not recall moonlit nights out on the town
I am telling the truth! It’s got nothing to do with you
With one good eye I see what’s going on. All of your conclusions are wrong
A stick in the dark might look just like a snake
But you can only judge a book by reading every page
Shadows cast by trees are sinister spies. The rustling of the leaves are murderers with knives
squeaking from the gate can only mean one thing
you’re about to be abducted by extra terrestrial beings!!!
A brain surgeon you don’t have to be to know that I’m not showing up for tea
I want to meet the cat with the beautiful eyes, take her for a walk—show her the sights
It’s got nothing to do with—what happened to your eye
Hockey puck. And the scars on your face
A big old truck. The crimp in your tail
A dog named Lucky…hard to believe but it’s true
It’s got nothing to do with, nothing to do with, nothing to do with you
The next morning…
Champ sits in his chair reading the news while Ella goes over notes about the burgeoning cat population. Jimmy is busy doing chores outside. Lucy appears, fork in hand, eating Fancy Beast out of the can. She shares a fantasy.
14. PARISIAN CAFE Lucy
I’ve just come in from dining at a Parisian cafe on the Champs Elysees They were serving pate
The ambience was lovely! The waiter’s name Rene.The bouillabaisse exquisite
and so was the soufflé
(Champ tells Lucy he wants to host a backyard barbecue and invite the entire neighborhood including the Riffraff)
One day later…the party!
The cats rush around making last minute preparations. The guests arrive!
15. TEAR DOWN THE WALLS Cast
Shrimp’s on the barbecue, I cooked up some fish! Fixing the neighbors their favorite dish
The gate is wide open come one and come all we’re having a party let’s tear down the walls
A toast to the homeless to those all alone and ones that don’t have a comfortable home
To all of you felines that keep out the rats we drink to your health you hard working cats
Chain link, pickets, mortar and bricks do not encourage each other to mix
Time to demolish them once and for all we’re having a party let’s tear down the walls
When you come around on some late summer eve we won’t be out back we’ll be watching TV
To heck with the checking and getting in fights! It’s much more relaxing to stay in at night
Looking for trouble is no way to live we have a new motto forget and forgive
Sharing our lot with both strangers and friends mending our ways while making amends
Chain link, pickets, mortar and bricks do not encourage each other to mix
Time to demolish them once and for all we’re having a party let’s tear down the walls
After the guests leave the cats sit around and share their highlights of the evening. Although a bit of bickering continues among them they all agree on one thing: next week—have another party!!!
16. CHANGE OF HEART Champ, Jimmy, Ella, Lucy
I’ve made a new beginning when I hear the bell ring
I’m no longer running if someone comes to the door
I stand my ground, I’m almost brave. Look at the progress I’ve made
And I owe it all to this wonderful change of heart
Hey I’m taking small steps toward my independence
Out there taking chances coming into my own
I made a list of things to do, have my trusty box of tools
I owe it all to this wonderful change of heart
I have to confess I don’t know everything about life
And the big boss part of me has got to go
We’re trying to give up all the ways that we bring on this strife
Though at times it’s so much fun to shout places everyone
We were never meant to run the show
Traveling to new heights flying up is quite nice
Soaring past the dark nights high above all the clouds
The sky’s a different blue, it’s such a lovely view
And we owe it all to this wonderful change of heart
We’ve made a new beginning we look for silver linings
Somewhere the sun is shining when it’s rainy and grey
The sky’s a different blue, it’s such a lovely view
And we owe it all to this wonderful change of heart
Yes we owe it all to this wonderful change of heart